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What Happens When Your Friends Have What You Want? Tips to Handle Fertility Challenges & Disappointment When Trying to Conceive

Anyone who watched the women’s 2012 gymnastics team last night had to be moved by watching the disappointment on the face of Jordyn Weiber, defending world all-around champion gymnast, when she became overwhelmed by disappointment upon learning that she didn’t qualify for the all-around gymnastics Olympic finals.  She had been tagged by many as the face of women’s gymnastics, and in one moment she devastatingly had to face that two of her friends and team mates would be moving forward to the all-around competition with out her.

I believe it didn’t just move so many people because of seeing her instant grief and disappointment when her Olympic dream was ripped away, but that we as fellow human beings share the resonance that we each have with heartache, disappointment and sometimes wanting something so badly that just doesn’t work out the way that we had planned.  

In addition to her personal disappointment it is quite possible that her emotions were multi-layered.  Most commonly guilt and jealousy are part of the emotional cocktail, saying she should be happy for her friends who did make it to the all-around finals.

But the reality is she must face that they now have what she wants.  

I commonly hear about this very dynamic from my clients, but especially those who are dealing with fertility issues.  When everyone around them knows that they have been trying to get pregnant, or have recently had a miscarriage it often unfortunately becomes an uncomfortable, taboo place for them as well as friends and family to navigate when someone else gets pregnant or has a baby.  
Out of the desire to not cause more pain for those having fertility issues some people will try to dampen their own joy, or avoid the person all together.  While the person dealing with fertility difficulty may sometimes choose to isolate themselves, and choose to not join in events such as baby showers and other social gatherings.  

And while each day and each individual circumstance varies on how someone will feel the overwhelming thing to keep in mind is that the basic need for connection and support in times of suffering can be one of the best places of healing.   

This is not to say that you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel upset or disappointed.  

These feelings are very real!

So how can you handle these fertility challenges and disappointments when trying to conceive so that you can move forward to what you DO want?

1.    Let Yourself Have a Pity Party

This isn’t to say go and wallow with a depressed state for weeks at a time, but you will be able to move forward faster if you give yourself permission to feel in the moment rather than trying to stuff your emotions deep inside to fester only to be unleashed at a future date. 

Energy Tip: It takes WAY more energy to hold the emotion inside than to allow it to come to the surface in the moment.  And why would you want to waste that energy on holding things back rather than using it to create what you DO want.

So, if you are at a function and get upsetting news, take a minute to go for a walk or excuse yourself to the restroom.  This will give you the space to have your feelings in private if you are with people that you do not feel comfortable with.  

2.    Have Someone Who Will Listen & Love You Without Judgment
Unless you are a saint you may have some moments that your reaction is not quite as graceful as you would like.  In these times it is helpful to have someone who you can trust to tell all your feelings to without judgment. 

* This person should not be the type that will add to your negative stories, but rather someone who will just let you vent so that you can move forward.

3.    Practice the Art of Self Love
Loving the self means stepping outside of guilt.  Give yourself the gift of compassion. 

4.    Remember You Don’t Have to Do it Alone
Sometimes it is just too overwhelming to face the disappointment alone.  So, seek the support of a counselor, get a massage to relax, a fertility massage, and/or an energywork session such as Cellular Expansion or Reiki

5.    Put Things in Perspective
While often times with something so personal, life events that happen can feel like a personal attack. Putting things into perspective can be helpful for handling the hurt, frustration or anger. 

Using the tool “What do I know to be true right now?” can be very helpful.  Asking yourself this will often help you to know how you are feeling as well as bring your attention back to the present allowing yourself to move forward in a calmer manor towards what you want.

6.    Keep Breathing: Learn Basic Pranayama
Easier said than done.  Often when you are upset you won’t even realize that you are holding your breath, or the opposite breathing rapidly.   
Try this basic version of Pranayama

  1.  Sit in cross leg position

  2.  Slowly inhale while relaxing belly, imagine your belly is a ballon filling with air

  3. Continue inhale filling your chest, your rib cage expands

  4. Hold for a count of five

  5. Slowly exhale relax chest and rib cage. Pull belly in to force complete exhalation 

  6. Practice 5 times

  7. Upon completion sit quietly with eyes closed and mind relaxed :)

7.    Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously: Laugh, Play and Fool Around!
When your emotions have your frazzled.  Find a way to let yourself laugh and play!  

Humor is incredibly healing, and a dose of laughter may just be what the doctor ordered.    

 “…most people think too much. Get them to laugh, and half their trouble and sickness will go away…. So we could say that he thought that laughter was halfway home to healing.” Don Elijio Panti quoted in the book Sastun

(Don Elijio Panti was the great Maya Healer who trained Dr. Rosiata Arvigo, who developed The Arvigo Technique of Maya Abdominal Massage which many naturopaths and fertility clinics recommend for their fertility patients)

8.    Sweat it Out
Exercise is a great way to move emotions.  So do some physical exercise or have some stress relieving “no babies attached” sex with your partner!

9.   Know that Tomorrow Will Be a New Day

It can be a valuable skill to be an optimist, but the important piece is to remember is that tomorrow is a new day filled with unlimited possibilities.

Image: Keep Calm and Carry On

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