Loss is something that everyone experiences, multiple times throughout life.  Common losses include the deaths of family members or pets, or break-ups of romantic relationships. 

Often when we lose important people in our lives, our sense of “balance” is shaken up.  When experiencing a physical injury or illness, we know that it takes time and a healing process in order for the body to restore its balance.  Losing a loved one can be looked at in a similar way (1), in that it usually takes time, and often some nurturing, for us to heal and to return to a state of mental balance.

Psychologist J. William Worden has suggested that there are certain “tasks” that we are faced with in order to restore our sense of equilibrium after a loss (2).  These include:

1. Accepting the Reality of the Loss (There are a variety of ways in which people might be “in denial” of a loss at first, and it can really take time and effort to fully accept this reality.)
2. Working Through the Pain (Pain is a natural part of grief, and, while we might initially  think it would be easier to try avoiding any painful feelings following a loss, experiencing the pain may actually help us heal better and more completely)
3. Adjusting to a new Environment (This means coming to realize what life is like without your loved one there, and adapting to any resulting changes in your lifestyle.  It might require you to develop new skills, take on new roles, and foster new or different types of relationships with other people in your life.)
4. Moving On (This does not mean forgetting about your love of the person who you lost, but it does mean perhaps finding an appropriate “place” for that person in your emotional life in a way that allows you to make room for you to love and welcome other people into your life as well.)

It is important to know that there is really no single “right” way to grieve a loss.  It can vary, depending on the individual person, as well as the circumstances surrounding the loss.  It is normal to experience a combination of negative emotions, like sadness and anger, but many times people also experience feelings or relief and freedom.  The length of time it takes to grieve a loss can vary as well. 

If you feel that the pain you are experiencing as a result of a loss is so disturbing that it is interfering with your daily work, relationships, or health, or if you feel that you are “stuck” in your grief and having difficulty moving on, you may be experiencing or at risk of depression, and may benefit from talking with a counselor.

1. Engel, G.L. (1961). Is grief a disease?  A challenge for medical research.  Psychosomatic Medicine, 23, 18-22.
2. Worden, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner.  Springer Publishing Company, New York.

To learn more contact Leslie Stein Aronson at the Pittsburgh Center for Complementary Health and Healing